


Tied Ship

by starofhemera



Series: Tied Ship [1]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 09:30:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5122967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starofhemera/pseuds/starofhemera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yunho is in a relationship with someone. Changmin can't move on.<br/>"I killed you slowly. But you, you did it on one go. And it hurts so much I don’t think I can breathe. I don’t know who’s crueler. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. But hyung, I still love you. Are you really over me?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was already 2:30 am. Yunho had been lying in bed since 11. For some reason, he couldn't sleep. After some serious tossing and turning, he finally gave up and got up from bed. Grabbing his phone, he went to the kitchen. He's just going to eat ice cream. Who cares if its 2:30 am? No one will ever know. He fiddled with his phone, knowing who to bother this early. It was not long before the person he was calling picked it up. 

"Why up so early, bunny rabbit?" Yunho chucked. Jihoon's voice was so sleepy he could tell the other man's face was squashed to his pillow while he talked to him.

"Jihoon-ah, I can't sleep." Yunho sulked to his boyfriend on the other line. 

"Ah. Did you try drinking milk?" 

"I already did before I went to bed."

"Do you want me to sing for you?" 

"Jihoonie, you can't sing!" Yunho laughed and Jihoon grumbled. Yunho ended up telling Jihoon stories. Jihoon, though sleepy listened to him and replied whether he seemed necessary. They talked for an hour until Yunho decided he should let Jihoon go back to sleep. 

"Night, Jihoonie. Sorry for disturbing you." Jung Yunho is as sweet as honey and he would never fail to put a smile on Jihoon's face.

"Good morning, bunny rabbit. Love you.": 

Jihoon ended the call. Thank God for that. Even in their 5 months relationship, Yunho still found it uncomfortable to say "I love you" to Kang Jihoon. He liked his Jihoonie very much. Like _very, very much_. _More than he likes strawberries, yes._ But after saying "I love you" to Shim Changmin for so long, those words terrified Jung Yunho. He did not want to say those words as sincerely like he used to when Changmin and him were still together and then be received as if those words does not means so much. So he settled with "I seriously like you its insane" to which Kang Jihoon did not complain and accepted with a wide grin on his handsome face.

When Yunho finished his ice cream, he thought of things to do. His mind wandered to his computer. This mus be a good time to check emails. He opened his computer, logged on to his email and got bored. There was nothing interesting here. He was going to turn off the computer when he remembered something. It had been long since he logged on to that. 

You see, idols have to protect their privacy. Especially when you're TVXQ. Most especially when you're in a relationship with your bandmate. Long time ago, Jung Yunho and Shim Changmin created accounts with legit fake names. They were the only ones who knew about it. Yunho was Park Daegoon while Changmin was Lee Ilhoon. It was silly at first but they soon realized it was a very helpful concealment. Park Daegoon is a pediatrician while Lee Ilhoon is a writer. They did not know why they chose that but they did. Yunho smiled as he recalled that. 

When he logged on as Park Daegoon, he did not expect to find an email from Lee Ilhoon.

 

_From: Lee Ilhoon_

_Sent: XXXXX_

_To: Park Daegoon_

_Subject: I'm Selfish, I'm Sorry_

 

_I’ve been stupid. I know that now. Perhaps I just never thought I would lose you. But I did. I lost you._

_It makes me wonder if I only smiled at you more, if only I hugged you tighter, kissed you sweeter and told you “I love you” more than you ever said that to me, if you would be here with me now. I was under the illusion that you would always love me, that you would never leave me. But you did. And it hurts. It hurts so much. But it was also my fault, wasn’t it? I pushed you away. You loved me very much and I took you for granted. Every day I pushed you away from me and every day you would hold on tighter. I pulled the rope. You pulled it tighter. Even if it made you bleed, you held on tight. But the rope snapped. I still held the other end. You let go and I know why._

_I saw you the other day. You looked sad.  I didn’t want you to look sad. For the first time in a long time, I saw that the light have died in your eyes. They used to shine like the sun when I met you. Now as I stare at you from afar, I realized that I took it away from you. And for that, I wanted to kill myself. You turned to me. You tried to smile but instead, tears flooded your eyes. But you did not let them fall. You were always so strong, hyung. Even when your heart was breaking, you did not let me see you cry. Instead of the light I saw in your eyes when we first met, I saw the defensiveness there. And I know why. I understand.  You were exhausted. I tired you much more than you can bear._

_It couldn’t be helped. We are band mates. We have to work together. There are times when I wanted to touch you. I wanted to hold your hand. But I couldn’t. Not anymore. So I sat there while you talked to our dancers. You looked cheerful. But I know it was just a façade. You were always so selfless. You didn’t want other people to worry so you tried to act as if nothing is wrong with you. You tried to avoid looking directly at me. It hurt. It really hurt knowing that the eyes which were once searching for me every minute of every day were the same eyes which could not bear to look at me now. I know I’ve hurt you. But Yunho-hyung, can you please just look at me? Just once. Even if it will reveal how much you hate me, just look at me. Just once. Please. Please._

_That new back up dancer gets on my nerves. Jihoon, was it? You know what, I don’t really care. From the moment he stepped on the studio, his eyes could never seem to leave you. I don’t like it. I really don’t. And because you’re so nice, you talk to him as if you know each other for a long time. Every time you do that, it makes me really hate you. Don’t you notice how that guy likes to touch you even if you just met? When you accidentally sprain your left foot, I saw it. He held your hand. I wanted to punch him. Why can’t he just keep his hands to himself? You’re not a child that he should coo over. Why is it that you seem to not mind? Do you like him, hyung? You laugh with him too. And every time you do that, it breaks my heart that I wanted to cry. You don’t do that with me anymore. I couldn’t make you laugh like he does. Is he trying to mend you together, hyung? Hyung, I’m jealous. I’m so jealous it hurts. Please don’t let him. I know it’s selfish. But it hurts so much. It hurts so much. It really hurts so much._

_It was raining when I heard it. You were dating somebody. I have an idea who. I ran out of the building as soon as I heard. When I was out, I yelled and yelled until my voice was hoarse and my throat ached. I wanted the rain to fall harder and washed me away. I wanted lightning to strike me. I wanted to die. When we were together, I killed you slowly. But you, you did it on one go. And it hurts so much I don’t think I can breathe. I don’t know who’s crueler. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. But hyung, I still love you. Are you really over me? Did I hurt you so much you got over me so quick? Tell me they’re lying. Tell me you’re not ready for someone new. Tell me you’re still not over me. Please, Jung Yunho, tell me you still love me._

 

**_-Shim Changmin_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why I'm in so much angst mood these days! Is this because class is gonna start soon? keke. I wrote this fic in asianfanfics originally. But I decided to change the title and the flow of the story and share it here! I had been writing since forever but I'm still an infant in fanfiction writing. Haha. So guys, if you would be so kind, tell me what you think! :D


	2. I'm Sorry but I Need this, This is my reply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Park Daegoon and Lee Ilhoon had a good run but now it’s time to stop. Perhaps, Daegoon was just so naïve and blindly believed that he could have a future with Ilhoon. He forgot that Ilhoon was a writer and he could create a world of his own that Daegoon could never be a part of. Maybe, they weren’t so lucky as Daegoon thought. Maybe they weren’t made for each other."

It was 3 am but Jung Yunho was still glued to his computer. He was tired and would very much like to crash on his bed. But he was not doing that until he got this over with. For the last five hours, U-know Yunho had been trying to write a reply to Changmin’s letter. It was funny how Yunho was so good with words but now could not seem to find any. He tried typing what came to his mind only to erase them. It was not that he did not have things to say to Changmin. It’s just…just… _what exactly_?

Letting out a sigh, he reached for his phone, only to find 9 missed calls from his best friend. He furrowed his brows and wondered why Hojun would call him many times. Then shrunk to his seat as he realized that the latter would probably be pissed right now for Yunho missing his calls nine times. 

“Yah, Jung Yunho!” Yunho almost fell from his seat the moment Hojun answered the phone. The older man seemed angry.

“Hello, Hojunnie-hyung,” he cooed sweetly, trying to pacify whatever it was that made his usually calm-natured Hojun-hyung into the ‘I’m-so-angry-at-you-you-bastard’ Son Hojun.

“Don’t Hojunnie-hyung me, you pabo! We were supposed to eat out together three days ago but you stood me up!”

“Aigoo, but hyung, didn’t we make up already?”

“Yes, we did after you apologized but then you promised me yesterday you’re going to make up for it by treating me to our favorite restaurant tonight. We were supposed to meet eight hours ago. I waited for you for four hours. **_Four hours!_** I called your phone many times and now the restaurant is closed! I ended up eating pizza, you jerk! **_Pizza!_** I don’t even like pizza that much but I had no choice since I’m hungry and it’s the fastest thing you can eat this late!”

Yunho could hear Hojun huffing in anger on the other line. Sounding sheepish, he said, “I’m sorry, Hojun-hyungie. Please forgive your forgetful dongsaeng. I won’t do it again. I was just so distracted lately.”

Hojun sighed. Its not like he could stay mad at Yunho anyway. “Fine. But you better send me the most delicious steak for breakfast.”

“Okay, hyung.”

“So what is it?” Hojun asked, now with a calm tone.

“What’s what?”

“Yunho, you called me. What is it that you want to tell me? Don't tell me you already forget about it, forgetful dongsaeng?” He teased. Yunho closed his eyes and sighed.

“The thing you said you were distracted about was really bothering you, wasn’t it?”

“Eh? How did you know, hyung?” He asked. He had been best friends with Hojun for a long time and they knew each other so well. But sometimes, Yunho still wonder how Hojun could tell what he feels even if he does not really say it to the other man.

“I heard you sigh, silly. You don’t sigh unless you feel burdened. It means whatever it is, it’s been invading your mind. So what is it?”

Yunho smiled. His hyung does know him well.

“Changmin sent me a letter. An email to be exact.”

“And did you reply?” Hojun was curious.

“Hyung, I don’t know what to say.” Yunho said, resigned.

“Don’t be silly, Yunho-ah. You had so many things to say to him. Maybe this is your chance.”

“I don’t even know if I should reply or not. I spent five hours staring at my computer and I still could not write him a proper reply.”

“How long have you read the letter?”

“I read it one week ago.”

“ **One week? _One week?_** You have got to be kidding me here, dongsaeng. You’ve known the man your whole life. You practically don’t need words to talk to him. You know him inside out. You have millions of things you’d like to say to him and yet you could not form a single reply?”

Yunho kept silent. Hojun was right. Why couldn’t he write a damn letter to someone he knew very well? _Why is this so hard?_

“Yunho-yah,” Hojun sounded serious but his tone is ever caring. He really is like the big brother that Yunho never had.

“Yes, hyung?”

“You can’t write a reply to Changmin not because you don’t have one. It’s because you lack the courage to tell him how you really feel and maybe you’re afraid to discover that it might not really be over for the both of you.”

Hojun’s words could never been more precise. Yunho realized he was right. He was scared and he knew he had a reason to be. Changmin was a sensitive topic. He left a mark in Yunho’s heart that the latter do not think anyone would ever be able to remove. But he needed to be strong. For himself.

When he read that letter a week before, Yunho just sat there for a few minutes, got up, went to bed and slept. When he woke up, it was the first thing he thought of. To know that Changmin still loves him might have made him jump for joy more than a year ago. Right now however, he just did not know what to feel. He felt he might have gone cold. His walls were up. This time, he made sure to pull the gates higher so no one could climb them up and tear the walls down. His door was locked with a chain until Jihoon knocked offering love and sincerity and Yunho chose to let him in. Yet when it comes to Shim Changmin, he clothed his heart in armor and guard his heart like his life depended on it.

But some things are not supposed to be left hanging. He had to answer that letter, not because he felt compelled to but because he had one. He wanted Changmin to read what his mouth failed to say as he struggled with tears and hurt that night he decided enough was enough. He needed him to know. Closing his eyes, he decided to write the reply.

_From: Park Daegoon_

_Sent: XXXX_

_To: Lee Ilhoon_

_Subject: I’m Sorry but I Need This_

 

_Do you remember the story we made about Park Daegoon and Lee Ilhoon? Daegoon was a pediatrician and Ilhoon was a writer, right? They met in a school festival in the high school they used to attend. They never knew each other before that even if they were schoolmates before. The moment they met, Ilhoon became the apple of Daegoon’s eyes but Ilhoon was not even looking. They became friends and for the years they were friends, Daegoon just hid his feelings. Then came the day when Ilhoon finally looked and he fell in love with Daegoon who had been in love with him for a long time._

 

_It was funny how accurate Daegoon and Ilhoon’s story was to ours. I looked at you for too long before you even glanced back at me. Back then, I swore one day we would be the happiest couple I would ever know and people would envy us for being so lucky. They would say how the Gods must have loved us so much that He delivered us to each other even before we could understand how it is to really love a person. I really thought that we could be together, Changmin-ah. I really thought that you would be the one lying next to me when we’re old and waiting for our time to die. You know, no matter how much death scares me, when I imagined that, I just felt happy. To die with you after spending our lives together and transitioning to the next life with my hand on yours could erase any fear of death I have in my body. You were my future. The center of my very world._

 

_But you see, sometimes no matter how much you try, it just would not work. I know because I tried so hard. I wanted to be with you even if you did not seem to want the same thing. I tried my hardest to please you because I wanted to put a smile on your face. I loved you so much, Changmin. God, how I loved you._

 

_But it did not seem to be enough. No matter what I do, it just was not enough for you. I gave you all my love but you went and searched for it from others. And it hurt. It hurt to realize that my love was not enough that you need to get that from other people. It hurt so much. Sometimes you go home and what I found out just by looking at you made me feel so small. Like I’m just a thing you go home to when you’re tired having all the fun. But I forgave you every time and you continued to do it._

 

_I started to love you as a brother and I still do now. I loved you as a lover. Yes, loved for we could not be something else ever again. I will not lie and say that I am completely over you but I had to start somewhere. I had to think of our romantic relationship as a thing of the past now. And it should remain that way.  You see if I love you the way I used to, it would only destroy me. I know this because I had been through it. I loved you so much that I forgot to love myself. I’m not doing it again, Changmin-ah. I worked so hard to have the courage to turn my back against what we had to only run back to your arms again. You really hurt me. You had the power to do it and you did. I guess this time, I would be wiser. I guess I was selfless when we were together. I forgot about myself and thought about you. Now I want to be selfish. I’m going to be selfish. I’m sorry but I need to be this._

 

_Park Daegoon and Lee Ilhoon had a good run but now it’s time to stop. Perhaps, Daegoon was just so naïve and blindly believed that he could have a future with Ilhoon. He forgot that Ilhoon was a writer and he could create a world of his own that Daegoon could never be a part of. Maybe, they weren’t so lucky as Daegoon thought. Maybe they weren’t made for each other._

 

_I did not regret our relationship. I’ve learned so many things from that. I only regret that we came to this. If I caused you pain, I’m sorry. Believe that I never want to hurt you. This relationship might have ended but our relationship as U-know and Max would forever continue. Please take comfort in that fact as I had. Let’s work harder as TVXQ. I would still be your hyung and you my dongsaeng. It’s the only thing we can be. I don't know what the future holds for us. As for me, I would not be hasty to envision it with someone as I had with you. I want to enjoy the present with what I have. Jihoon loves me. I can feel it so don't worry. He is dear to me but I pray for the day that I can love him as much as I have loved you. It will take a while but I believe it will happen. Can you be happy for me, Changmin-ah? Please. Not for Yunho the man you once held but for Yunho your hyung. Okay, dongsaeng? I pray for your happiness, Changmin-ah. Please be happy._

 

**_-Jung Yunho_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make another chapter! This one's a bit long and is a bit hurried! For those who are reading, I hope I did not disappoint you guys. I felt like Yunho must have a lot to say to Changmin thus explaining the length of this one to the previous chapter. Please tell me what you think! :D Thanks lovely people! :DDD

**Author's Note:**

> Idk why I'm in so much angst mood these days! Is this because class is gonna start soon? keke. I wrote this fic in asianfanfics originally. But I decided to change the title and the flow of the story and share it here! I had been writing since forever but I'm still an infant in fanfiction writing. Haha. So guys, if you would be so kind, tell me what you think! :D


End file.
